I was chatting with a submissive who was going through some soul searching. She was sharing some of her thoughts with me. She was telling me about the things that she would not do, would not accept, or would not want in her next relationship.
I listened to her for quite a while. I found myself thinking it was a shame that she was focussing on what she didn't want. At one point I decided to say something to her and stated, "You're filling your moat with alligators and forgetting to build your castle."
I was doing some serious soul searching at the same time. That statement, meant half-in-jest and whole-in-earnest, struck me as being apropos for me even though it had been directed at her. Another had said a few things to me that pushed me to look at what I had built for myself.
I am very good at filling my moat with alligators. I know what I don't want. I know what I won't accept. While that's a good thing in itself because it makes me aware of my limits and limitations, I know I was narrowing my view of the world. I would not venture forward, I would wait til I was approached. I ignored my inner strength and prefered to sell myself short. I protected myself from vulnerability and rejection at all costs. I was safe behind my alligators. I was also alone.
I looked closely at my moat. I didn't like what was there - more alligators than I could see. Worse though - beyond that moat was nothing more than a foundation - a gaping hole. I had been so busy protecting myself that I had neglected to build my castle. I had spent so much time on the negative things that I had forgotten to seek out what I wanted and needed to be happy.
I started looking inward - at what was important to me. I recognized my own needs. The walls of the castle started building themselves. I admitted to myself that my wants and desires are important. The turrets rose. I acknowledged that my happiness is just as important as the Dominant's that I will submit to. Beautiful stained glass windows appeared. I drew upon my own strength and stepped on my own fears so that I could seek what matters to me. My foundation has a castle.
There are still a few alligators there that will keep me safe, but my moat is emptying. My own strength has made my castle a fortress. The drawbridge has been lowered. A flag flies from its highest roof. I am no longer alone behind my alligators.
The sun shines on my castle, a beautiful and inviting place fit for nothing less than the best.
dove