You're reading this article. That means that the internet is a part of your life. It also means in some way that the internet is also part of your lifestyle. Its extent is unknown but its existence is not. Some complain bitterly that the internet is responsible for the mainstreaming and watering-down of bdsm. Others claim that the internet is how they found the lifestyle. Surely there's a happy medium somewhere. The trick is to find it, and make it work for you.
I have found that the internet seems to speed things up. We are in a virtual bubble, where the trials and tribulations of life are not part of that world. Yes - we head offline to buy groceries or head to work. When we are online though, those day-to-day things don't follow us. Our focus becomes narrow. When two people connect via the internet, that focus becomes even narrower. A bond forms that can be very skewed.
To keep this article out of novel-length territory, please assume that Dom and sub have met online and have chatted. They have discussed a number of different topics and both are looking forward to meeting where there is no keyboard interface.
The fact that Dominant and submissive are chatting at a deeper-than-acquaintance level means that there is at the very least potential for a D/s relationship. Since that is their primary interest, it is discussed, dissected and analyzed until there is supposedly nothing left to discuss.
Both are convinced that they have found their "one". Limits have been discussed, fantasies have been shared and smiles abound. They meet. Let's pass the coffee stage and assume again that both wish to pursue a D/s relationship of some kind.
They play and both enjoy the rush that is inherently felt from a good scene. After-care is wonderful. Life is good. They catch their breath and look at each other. "What now" crosses both their minds.
In their hurry to develop a D/s dynamic, they forgot that two people make or break any relationship. We all know that we can't play 24/7 (albeit some try valiantly), so what happens with the rest of the time? He doesn't have a job? She can't control her shopping sprees? He's boring? She's dull? No amount of play can compensate for the shortcomings between two incompatible people.
They led with D/s and hoped that the rest of the relationship would follow.
Brick wall. Dead stop. Retreat is the only option.
Dominant and submissive are chatting. They both know that ultimately they are trying to determine if a D/s relationship between them has potential. They are well aware of their respective roles and know they share an ultimate agenda - Dominance and submission.
Their chats are filled with everyday topics - work, hobbies, family perhaps. They joke about how one likes ice cream and the other likes Brie cheese. They talk about D/s at a conceptual level. They begin to understand how D/s fits in each of their lives.
They meet. They enjoy each other's company. They take the time to see if the chemistry is as strong offline as it was online. There is no D/s dynamic in place - they are two people meeting and enjoying time together. From there, they begin to add elements of D/s to the beginnings of a solid relationship between two people. That has given them both time to establish friendship, trust and a better sense of safety.
They play. They are more in tune with each other. They are aware of what each gets out of the experience. The rush is exhilarating and the after-care is great. They catch their breath and look at each other. They launch into a rousing discussion on their favorite music, they head to the park or they just lie in each other's arms, content. There are no long pauses (face it - really LONG pauses), life continues.
They led with a solid relationship, and looked to add D/s.
Scenic path. Color and depth grow. The path ahead looks promising and inviting.
What's the difference? Speed and priorities. We are people first. We need to consciously bring those every-day parts of our lives into our online bubble, because we are hoping to eventually step away from the keyboard. We all have family, friends and outside interests. We share a common kink - certainly, but it does not consume us 24 hours a day. We need to make a conscious effort not to let it rule our online interaction with our potential partners either - otherwise a huge void awaits an ultimate meeting.
Run, and recognize that some stops are rather abrupt and painful. Slow down. Walk, and enjoy some of the scenery that is too beautiful to pass by without a glance.
dove