When asked how I prefer to be addressed at community events I generally reply that I would like to be addressed however they consider feels 'right'. Refer to me as Achilles, Achilles Sir, Sir, or whatever seems to work. It's not the words of how someone addresses me that is of concern. It is the attitude and I can say that I have been called 'Sir' with some amazing degrees of attitude in my day. There are others who feel that by identifying as Dominants they deserve to be referred to by default as Sir, Master So-and-So or Madame Whatsername.
This does make it confusing for those meeting for the first time.
Is there no single standard of behaviour in the community? Are there no guidelines for the newbies? Well, unfortunately no there aren't and that's primarily because BDSM allows for such a huge range of forms of D/s. Respect is handled in many different ways and through many different forms.
It is also because we tend to confuse Common Courtesy with standards of Protocol or 'Common Protocol'. Courtesy and Protocol certainly have a great deal in common but not so much so that they should be so easily confused. I like to think of it as the difference between attitude and behaviour. How you are vs. what you do.
Courtesy or Attitude
When one is being suitably courteous it is reflected not in words or actions but in something which is felt and radiated in a less concrete manner. I have been told, "Yes Sir", in some very negative ways in my time. I believe that the BDSM community should encourage a higher level of courtesy than is expected in the general vanilla World. Not just from submissives towards Dominants either. Everybody towards everybody and most especially towards those we meet for the first time.
A positive and polite attitude when meeting someone new can speak volumes about you. It not only makes the recipient of your courtesy feel good but also provides a good first impression. Whether this person is a potential partner or not it is well worth your while to try to form as wide a network of compatriots in the community as possible. Starting off with a positive attitude and courteous demeanor can only help.
Protocol or Behaviour
These are the actual actions and language we use when communicating. Do I hug this person or shake their hand? Do I call Him Sir or Achilles? Should I swat this girl on the ass or perhaps ask her name first? Oh right... that last one's pretty easy.
Different individuals have different protocols they wish to be followed when interacting with them. Some are very high requiring heady forms of address and extremely formal greetings and protocols of physical contact with themselves or their partners. Others are less formal and even veering towards vanilla in their lack of concern for such things. Sometimes these desires can spill over into their beliefs of how someone who has never met them before should behave. "How can she address Me like that? I am the Great Master Biggus Dickus!!", or something of the sort.
I believe most of us are somewhere in the middle in both aspects of initial or general community interactions. We try to respect the requirements of others while not too heavily pushing our own limitations. Our own beliefs of how someone should be greeted or dealt with on a casual but community basis. We look for a common ground which we can apply that will not cause offense through either being too much or too little.
As a single example I would point to the Courtesies and Protocols governing contact with another Dominant's submissive partner. In our local community this has evolved into a series of requests for permission Dom-to-Dom to hug one then the other's partners.
"May I hug Your girl in greeting Sir?"
"But of course, please do."
<hug>
"May I now hug Your submissive?"
"Why yes, it would be My pleasure."
<hug>
Try doing this for an entire evening of greetings at a party of 200 people. It gets kind of crazy. Yes, I understand the reasoning for it and can see why it feeds the D/s dynamics of some couples. After a solid evening of it though it does wear.
Here's how I do it. You can hug My girl if she lets you and no, you don't have to ask. Just open Your arms and greet her and she will move into the hug if it suits her or will politely stand back and greet. If I wish to hug someone (or Someone) I will open My arms and greet them and they will open theirs and step in or not as suits them. It lacks the constant burble of consenting language I agree but I consider this a plus. It allows consenting individuals to hug or not as suits both and it is MUCH easier to deal with in a noisy room.
There are exceptions. I have many friends who I run up to hug with great abandon and pleasure. I've known them for years and it is how we show our pleasure at seeing one another again. These Common Protocols are not for those people.
There are also those who really do insist on the previously noted protocol and I've figured a simple way to avoid making it an issue. I don't hug them or their partners.
Whatever the manner of greeting though I do try to be polite and courteous to everyone. I behave respectfully of each. Now, don't get me wrong... there are some I don't feel as much of a need to treat with the degree of Common Courtesy I mention here. Nobody gets along with everybody so there will be those we know and treat with more or less courtesy and protocol.
It is the two things we are really talking about when we say that there is no common form of behaviour in the BDSM World. Titles, actions, body contact, it all goes together into a very fluid code of behaviour which is amazingly confusing to newcomers and which can remain confusing when wandering among the crowds of them now joining us.
The best I can suggest is try not to be rude or do anything that will cause offense. On the receiving end try to be patient and understand it may not be an intentional act of disrespect and be as polite as you can when advising the offender of their error. The more formalized we become the greater the opportunities we create for errors. This would be best reflected by a proportionally greater degree of understanding.
It can all make Common anything uncommonly difficult.
Achilles