We're all familiar with safewords. They should be nothing new to anyone who has been in the scene for more than a day. The concept is fairly simple - safewords are a safety tool. Yet why is it that so much discussion and heated debate occurs over them? Why is it that we hear about so many struggles associated with safewords?
A submissive recently came to me asking to discuss something that had happened to her and that she was having trouble understanding. She had just scened with a Dominant and had asked him to test her pain limits. He agreed, and they discussed the use of safewords. In their case, she had been given a caution safeword and another safeword that would stop the scene immediately. So the scene began and at one point, the submissive began to feel the need to use her caution safeword. However she found herself unable to utter that one word. Luckily for her, the dominant noticed that her reactions and body language had changed and he stopped the scene.
She was quite distressed that she had felt unable to safeword. When I asked her why, she said that all she could think of was that it would have felt like having failed her Dominant. As we chatted a bit more about this, other contributing factors were discovered. They do not know each other all that well yet, so this scene of testing her pain threshold was premature at best. The Dominant did not know her well enough to truly be able to gauge - it was based more on luck and his other experiences that he stopped the scene based on her body language. She did not know the dominant well enough yet to have a level of trust in him that would have allowed her to be more open to a heavy scene. In addition, they are building the foundations of a D/s relationship where she wants to offer control to him. She had taken control of the direction of the scene - a scene that she had no idea where it could go. All these factors ganged up on her, and put her in a very confusing and potentially dangerous situation.
Part of her problem, she realized, was that she (and he) were relying on HER to control the scene: to gauge its intensity through the use of safewords. Because she is working toward offering him control, she was contradicting her own desires by agreeing to control the scene via these safewords. Hence, conflict number 1. Secondly, she was going into uncharted territory and could not know where her limits are - where she should indicate caution - but all she had available to her were 2 words. Thirdly, her motivation to please her dominant worked against her in that she felt she would have failed him if she had safeworded.
I feel that safewords were not usually a good way of measuring or gauging a scene, particularly if it is a new experience. From my perspective, 2 words are not enough feedback to the Top as to where my head and body are at any given time. I am also processing too much and am trying to make judgment calls (i.e. when should I safeword) rather than absorbing the experience. If I am in subspace, forget about expecting me to safeword. If you asked me my name, you'd have to offer me a multiple-choice answer and I'd have a one-in-three chance of getting it right. I am another who has a lot of trouble using safewords as a measurement gauge.
I've been through a few scenes recently where I was introduced to new experiences. In these scenes safewords were not used or even discussed. Don't gasp in horror - I was actually safer without them, because they were replaced by something else - something I've heard called Direct Communication. The dominant talked to me throughout the entire scene and demanded that I answer back - coherently. There was a constant feedback occurring. He was able to tell by my responses (or lack of responses) exactly where my head was. It irked me at first to be "interrupted" by conversation. I wanted to zone out and float merrily along. Being required to respond kept me - or a part of me - aware of the scene and what was happening to me. By not going to subspace, my reactions were much clearer to the dominant.
Direct communication kept me from spacing out on a new experience. The benefits were obvious to me, in spite of the fact that I had wanted to head to subspace. First, it allowed me to be more aware of the scene rather than having a foggy recollection. Second, the intensity increased in small increments, based on my feedback to the dominant, but went much further and made the experience even better because I knew I was very safe - he was listening *and* watching. Thirdly, and most importantly to me, while my input was a major contributing factor to the scene's outcome, I was not in control of the scene or its direction. The decisions were in the dominant's hands. I also felt safe - safer than I have ever felt with just safewords to fall back on.
Safewords have their place, please don't think otherwise. For me they are a distress signal and a cry for help, not a measuring stick. I don't want control. I want to safely give control away. I don't want to sound like a streetlight and watch a Top dance to my safeword tune. I want to rely on him to do what he does best and I want to face the challenge of not being in control so that I can find that glorious edge that I crave - surrender.
dove