This exercise is not just to provide an opportunity to complain about how mean Master is – it’s a tool to help you work through difficulties you may be experiencing in the relationship and hopefully open you to finding deeper fulfillment as a slave, or on the path that is right for you.
For this to be helpful, you need to start by accepting that you are responsible for your own happiness. You can change how you feel about difficult situations by changing how you think. (No, this is not a new theory; it’s based on “rational-emotive behavior therapy.”) Being irrational - not consistent with or using reason - causes needless pain.
First, think of an issue in your Master/slave relationship that is troubling you. I will share something I was working on when I was in a Master/slave relationship, because I know this is difficult for many slaves: I hate feeling insecure or jealous when Master scenes with someone else.
Write about it – be specific and detailed and long-winded. Ask yourself “What am I telling myself that makes me feel this way?” Really tap into your internal dialogue. Don’t judge whether you’re being rational or irrational and don’t censor yourself. Just vent. Get it all out. When you’re done, take a break. Have a piece of chocolate or take a walk. Give your mind time to relax.
When you are ready to get back to work, read over your writing. You may find that some of your less-than-desirable feelings have been caused by some less-than-rational thoughts.
Here’s one irrational thought that came from my own writing: I must not be enough of a masochist for Master, because he scenes with other people.
On a new piece of paper, rework your irrational thoughts to find what is rational inside of them: I am a pretty wimpy masochist (I can take a lot but I don’t enjoy it), but Master chooses to scene with me too, so he must be getting something out of it.
Try to see the issue from Master’s perspective: Master is a sexual sadist, which means he gets off on causing pain that his partner doesn’t enjoy. When Master scenes with another person, it has nothing to do with how he feels about me. It is about the connection between him and another person. Different people bring different energies and experiences to a scene.
Determine whether it is something truly harmful or unbearable to you. If it is, you have some decisions to make about how to best take care of yourself. Realistically, sometimes the only answer to “What can I do about it?” is “Walk away.” I firmly believe that as a slave, you retain human rights and ultimate responsibility for your own life and happiness. Does Master scening with other people harm our relationship? Not if I am being rational. Anyway, I can’t bottom to everything he wants to do – I just don’t have enough skin.
Come up with positive ways to look at what previously caused negative feelings: My inability to process or enjoy many types of intense physical sensation makes Master’s job easier – my “wimpiness” is a desirable trait to a Master who is a sexual sadist. And when he plays with someone else, I can enjoy the energy of that scene without having marks the next day. Notice that the way I choose to make it positive has nothing to do with changing Master.
Basically, I had to change the way I think to change the way I feel. This is a process that does take time and effort. The negative feelings may still be there at first, but by overlaying them with positive thoughts, eventually positive feelings can take over.
If appropriate to your relationship, discuss with the Master what you’ve worked out. Master may have more input to help you deal with your feelings and make them even more positive (“I love that you are a wimp” would be nice to hear), and the Master may even make changes to the relationship based on what you communicate.
But in the end, it’s up to you to find happiness and fulfillment in your choice to be their slave, or make a different choice for yourself.
Leslie