D/s, like any other relationship, involves growth. As trust grows, the needs of the participants become known and explored. As time passes, things change and deepen as a natural part of the relationship. This is especially true in D/s relationships, where the desire to find and play on the edge of one's own desires and needs in such a large and delightful component. However, when playing close to the edge, it is important to take care not to tip over and go hurtling off the cliff. One of the most important safeguards against that is a good, healthy understanding of both partners limits and limitations, and the knowledge of how to handle them." (Kehldar)
As in other areas of D/s, semantics vary widely. Let's look at limits and limitations, or hard limits and soft limits. By my definitions, a "limit", or a hard limit, is something that someone can't do, won't do and refuses to do. I tend to qualify a limit as something that, if told I had to do it, would cause me to walk away from the relationship. In addition to things I find morally repugnant, based on my belief system, such as playing with children, I also include things that are physically impossible for me under this category.
So then, what's a limitation or a soft limit? For me, in its simplest form, I think of a limitation as something I am not able to do at the moment . To be honest, I think that as my relationship grows with my Master, the vast majority of my limitation list will disappear. My limitations list has activities on it that I'm afraid to do, or think I might find distasteful, or even that I don't think i can do. For example, no hood is a limitation because I'm claustrophobic.
Having established both a limits and a limitations list, and given the concept that the dominant is almost expected to push both, how do limits get handled? I think it's pretty easy. A limit is to be respected at all times. It's as simple as that. Otherwise the line gets crossed beyond Safe, Sane and Consensual. I would think that a sub that has a dominant who doesn't respect their limits (as I define them) would do well to look for the nearest exit. That's why I believe there should be such a clearly defined difference between limits and limitations. If I am prepared to leave the relationship because my Dominant tries to push my limits, then I owe it to both of us to make sure that list is polished and specific.
Overcoming a limitation can be a very special, exciting and beautiful thing. For the dominant, I would think there is a special pleasure in knowing that their sub was never able to enjoy something before, but was able to grow and enjoy it with the dominant. And for the submissive...how wonderful to know that you were able to go somewhere in submission to your dominant that you were unable to reach before.
I've stated that limits or "hard" limits don't get pushed. I've also stated that overcoming limitations can be very special and exciting. But I haven't discussed the fact that overcoming limitations can be an area of high risk. It requires both the dominant and the submissive, working as a team, to reduce these risks and handle this growth in ways that are positive, safe and correct for both of them.
I know there are dominants who believe that the best way to handle limitations is to push until the sub uses the safeword.... kind of like throwing someone in the deepest water on the premise that they'll learn to swim. I heard a great comment on this technique, likening it to driving one's car into the wall to stop it and counting on the airbag to prevent injury. One of the uses of a safeword, like the use of an airbag, is if a mistake is made, if something's gone wrong. The safeword can be a wonderful tool for overcoming limitations. It permits exploration of any area fraught with fear. Armed with the knowledge that you aren't a victim, you can halt the exploration in a split second with the utterance of that word. That word may, someday, allow me to explore my limitation on hoods, for example.
To get past limitations in a positive way, you have to start by being honest with yourself. Are you dealing with a limit, or a limitation? That's where I use the litmus test...would I walk way rather than do this? Or am I simply afraid, or embarrassed, or dealing with some other emotion? Once you've done this, you probably want to consider what the cause is of the limitation. Once the reason for the limitation has been identified and understood, it can be properly addressed.
What's my part as a submissive? What do I have to do here? I have to be willing to overcome the limitation. I also have to keep tabs on myself, my feelings, with the dominant's help, as the limitation is addressed. And I have to let my dominant know what's going on with me as this happens. Mind Reading 101 is an extra-credit course for dominants, and it comes with all kinds of caveats like..."Don't try this at home!"
Limitations are kind of fluid. Some things that were "hard" limits for me when I began in this lifestyle are now limitations, and I know those will move to history as I grow with my Master (when, of course, I find him!). It's equally possible that some of my limitations will become limits as they're explored.
As in all areas of D/s, the first and foremost rule is scrupulous honesty with oneself and one's partner.
Ricci Joy