I went searching on the internet, trying to locate articles about protocol. I found several. I was looking for specific activities that are exchanged between lifestyle couples. What I found in most cases, while very valid (including the protocol that decreed "Gor is not fair!"), was more about etiquette and general rules of conduct for specific chat sites than what I consider to be examples of protocol.
Protocols, for me, can enhance a D/s dynamic. They are outward signs of the structure of the relationship, and are often symolic of the heirarchy that we have chosen to live by. Some are symbolic, such as rituals, some are a more formal version of common courtesy. The protocols differ and represent different things to each person and each relationship.
I attended an excellent workshop several months ago, entitled High Protocol. It was a wonderful workshop, but it did not address specific examples of active protocol. The reasons were very valid - nobody is alike; protocols will vary from one couple to another, from one House to another, etc. Something that did strike me though, was the Dominant who was leading the workshop said to think about courtesan protocols. We were encouraged to think of how we would act if we were to meet a monarch, for example.
We smiled about that, some chuckled, some laughed outwardly. All humor aside, the analogy is valid. There is a structure and hierarchy to our lifestyle, we actively acknowledge and encourage this structure. We may not follow courtesan protocols to the letter, but I felt that is was a good reference to at least help me think of some of the protocols that I could adapt.
Much of what we consider protocol is essentially extending formality. Chivalry once decreed that doors be opened and held by the gentleman. Vive women's liberation - that has changed. It is now completely natural to see a female opening and holding a door for the gentleman. It would be completely oblivious in today's society for a female submissive to hold the door for her Dominant.
In private other protocols may apply. They are perhaps not as subtle or discreet as in public. Permission to leave a room is a good example of protocol. In private, the request for permission may be direct, including the use of an honorific. In a restaurant in mixed company, "Excuse me please?" is viewed by a non-lifestyler as a simple courtesy. "Yes, certainly" is a perfectly acceptable response. No one need to know that this is one of the protocols enjoyed by this couple, yet the participants are aware that the interaction is structured and that it represents part of their power exchange.
Kneeling and bowing is kept private for many. These protocols are meaningful only to the couple; there is no need to use these protocols in an environment where they are not seen or considered usual. That is the participants' choice. I have seen where others will kneel in public, and theirs choices are just as important and meaningful.
As was said in the workshop, protocols do differ from one person to another. They can be subtle and appear to be completely normal activities. They can be overt or very elaborate. The magic in protocols is to find the things that work for those within the dynamic. What works for me will not work for another. What works for them may hold no significant meaning for me. The beauty is that we are all correct in whatever protocols we choose to adapt as our own.
dove