Ahhhh, the excitement and adventure of a new BDSM relationship. I remember it well. A clean slate and so much to do to fill it up. Gotta teach her how to serve Me coffee and how to go through doors properly. How to follow at My shoulder and how to tidy up My toy bag after a scene. Kneeling properly, that's REALLY important, because I like it done just 'so' and nobody does it right at first. How to ask Me questions and how to address My friends (sub or Dom, differently of course) at events. How to rub My feet and how to greet Me at the door. How to... how to... ummm, geee. There's a lot to teach. A lot of rituals, protocols, ceremonies and such that I like in My relationship. How did all of that ever get figured out?
Oh right, it has taken 7 years... so far. It wasn't like this on day, week, month or even year number 1.
These and other things, which fall into the blanket terms of protocols, traditions and rituals are elements of D/s which I enjoy sharing with My girl in our relationship. Each has a purpose and each has been honed through years of practice, trial, error and rehearsal.
Teaching her to kneel took about 2 hours of practice in a small room and was then documented precisely for later verification and review. Keeping it up is an ongoing process requiring that I check her each time she kneels and correct her if she is in error. Sometimes she has to go back to her records of the proper steps and practice on her own for a while.
The why of it tends to be something you either get or don't. It would take an entire entry to explain My views on that and probably belongs in the forums for discussion instead of here in My Blog. If you like this sort of thing you get it. If you don't, don't let it bother you. Go read the Tea Master story 'cause you're going to find the rest of this posting pretty boring. Really... it's a good story.
...for those of you who have chosen to continue reading, "How do such rituals develop?"
They develop over time and they develop by you wanting them to happen. I mean you have REALLY got to want it. Rituals and protocols are a pain in the ass.
The oldest ones that My girl and I share were inherited from previous relationships. They were already habits she had and I chose to continue. How did I choose? It proved to be fairly automatic in that I only paid attention to those protocols that I enjoyed. Others were allowed to deteriorate simply by being ignored. If I didn't remind her to avert her eyes when she greeted Me it would soon be forgotten. If I kept reinforcing her about walking behind Me and on My left she would maintain that habit.
This is the first part of why protocols are a pain. You have to keep on top of them all the time. If I don't remind her to do as I wish she will eventually stop doing it. If You lose interest in a protocol it is going to stop happening because there is nobody to make it happen but You.
Then there are the newer protocols that have developed over our years together. Her inability to enter or exit My car without permission and, often, assistance. I open all doors for her. Kneeling as I prefer it done. Serving Me coffee or other beverages. There are dozens of others that weave in and out of our relationship. How did I know I wanted them? How did I decide how I wanted them to work? How did they develop into the smooth processes which flow so naturally between us?
The answer to all of these questions is time.
Protocols take time to fully develop and to become a natural part of the relationship. Let Me present an example of one thing that some people question. I open all doors for My girl.
Shouldn't she open all the doors you might wonder? Shouldn't she serve Me by easing My way and holding the door before Me? Perhaps adding a bow or curtsey as I pass? Think of it another way. My girl passes through no doorway without being admitted by her Master. Very Dom'ly? Very TPE and all of that now? Actually I simply believe a lady should have doors held for her and this is My girl so I'm going to treat her how I damn well please. <winks> Besides I usually make her carry everything so her hands are often full.
Now comes the development of the logistics of passing through doors together in an elegant manner. I call this the ballet of our door protocol and it really is quite intricate. It may semm like it would be simple.
1. Master opens door.
2. girl passes through
3. Master follows
4. Door closes.
It is never that easy. Which way does the door open? Towards or away? Left or rightwards? What if somebody is coming through from the other side? What if there are two doors (the classic airlock design) to be navigated in close succession? What if My hands are full? What if someone else holds the door for us?
This is where time becomes important along with a willingness to let the protocol evolve. Over the years we have developed (but not formally documented) many movements in the library of the door opening protocol. It literally has become a dance with many movements which seem to happen without thought but which have been worked out over time.
This is another part of the pain that is Protocols. Working on them, improving them AND remembering that they are YOUR protocols and YOU can change them as YOU wish. Letting them evolve and improve can be hard if you forget that they are YOUR rules. As they develop over time a lot of communication is required with your partner to clarify what You want and how You want it. Modifying a protocol doesn't mean it was wrong. It means it can be improved.
Some folks will wonder at investing so much efort in something as simple as passing through a doorway together. What does it matter who opens the door or how they move through it together? Let Me repeat something I wrote here in an earlier paragraph: They develop over time and they develop by you wanting them to happen.
Protocols are a very personal part of a relationship and we will each develop our own. Not everybody can work with a ready made set of protocols from some website or series of books (with apologies and respects to My Dear Friend Kilted One) and when you develop your own way of doing things with a partner they have to be important to You. Why else would You put all this thought and energy into them?
Some protocols will not survive the test of time and energy. I have introduced protocols into our relationship and then let them slide because they simply did not hold as much interest for Me as I had thought. When I stopped paying attention to what she was doing My girl soon let those items slip and they simply faded from our traditions. One example was that she was allowed to touch any of My toys except My single tail whips. I thought this created a special aura around the whips of their being untouchable. Somehow special and above all other items in My collection of implements.
It was a pain to monitor, logistically annoying to keep up and she already couldn't think any more highly of whips so it was also redundant. My girl probably thought I simply forgot about that one. <smiles>
You may have heard at some time that one of the characteristics of a Dominant is consistency. Protocols are one of the reasons why this is so important. I have to remember all the protocols and keep My eye on My girl when she is doing each to make sure it is being followed. If I tell her 3 different ways to kneel she is never going to be able to do it as I wish. If I consistently tell her one way I want it done then she can learn to please Me effectively in her performance of that ritual.
We all look for something different in D/s. We each have our own way of doing things including teaching, learning and improvement of both ourselves and our relationships. These are some ideas from My journey down this complex road. I hope they will always work for My girl and I.
If not, I may need to make some changes. It will evolve.
Achilles