So, what's the secret?
No great secret, the gap between vanilla and D/s is not all that wide. But, there are some subtle differences. For some of us, that difference is observable, palpable and important to our living an authentic life.
The D/s life doesn't suit everyone. Not to put too fine a point on it, if you are unaware of, or indifferent to, the subtleties of relationships - this is not going to be your cup of tea.
Someone on this list put it well, some time ago. D/s is an aesthetic sensibility. It's not just about the destination; it's about the journey. We are, as a group, very interested (some might say obsessed) with the "How" of "How things get done". The ritual, the tasks, the way we relate to one another and yes Virginia - the sex - are all things that we like a certain way.
A subset of us are quite concerned about the "Why" of "Why things get done". Thus, a strong woman may find being called "girl" by someone outside of the relationship as diminutive and offensive. Within the relationship, however, this diminutive can be comforting and symbolic. It's all about context.
What, perhaps, Abi is trying to capture in her question is "what's the Dominant secret?", so I'll speak from that perspective.
As I grow as a person and as my understanding of D/s deepens, it's my feeling that the differences between Dominants OTBS (Of The Best Sort) and submissives OTBS are quite small. I'm not even sure that the motivation for each is all that different. Granted, their relationship with one another follows different protocols and expectations - But the way they view the outside world; the way they interact with outsiders, and the way they see themselves fitting into some universal scheme is very, very similar.
As such, much of what I describe as "the Dominant's secret" here is quite applicable to "the submissive secret"
So, back to the cryptic Variety-style headline of this post.
Present -
Well, it's been my experience that Dominants tend to live in this place. There is an immediacy about Dominants that some find quite attractive. For my part, I've always tried to live in the moment. My version of reality includes mechanisms for dealing with past errors (See Confession, Penance, Absolution). What this means is that, in my relationships, I tend not to hold onto grudges. This is quite helpful when one is in an active relationship. But even when simply talking to someone new, they can sense that they are talking to someone who is regarding them as a blank slate.
It's something of a paradox that I, who have such strong views about what is right...for me - have no views whatsoever about what is right...for you. Unless - unless - I own you. In which case, the relationship has a different set of standards surrounding it. It's my duty and my joy to enforce those standards - But even here, it's still about living in the present tense.
Presence -
This is a topic that is quite deep and hence difficult to summarize. But Dominants OTBS have this. It is elsewhere called "charisma", "natural leader", "star quality". In fact, "charism" is an almost perfect word to describe that essence that we all recognize, yet find difficult to define. Charism is a gift of the gods; an aura of being gifted - and it's extremely attractive. In my opinion, it's a gift that can be developed. It's a sense of self that runs unusually deep.
In my case, I'm comfortable with who I am; where I fit in the universe, what I have to offer, etc. So much so that (with the exceptions of navel-gazing posts such as these) - I just don't think about it. So, in part, presence is self awareness without self consciousness.
What I've written here might be considered conceit or arrogance. Clearly, I believe I have these qualities. Of course, you're entitled to that opinion. My own position is that denying one's gods-given gifts (whatever they might be) is arrogance and conceit of the most damaging sort. In other words, that false humility is a form of inverted pride.
That said, a person who has this presence can easily devolve into arrogant behavior. I'm certainly not immune to that - And keeping myself "right-sized" in relationship to others is part of what I do to try and live right.
Presents -
Presentation counts - I don't have much to say on this subset - In order for the headline to form a sentence I had to throw it in. But Dominants do seem to have a slightly higher awareness of how they present to others. Other than that... I've got nothing.
Presents -
Gifts form an integral part of the structure of D/s. I've written elsewhere and in great detail on this topic so I won't repeat too much. I will say that Dominants OTBS cherish and understand gifts in a way that most people do not. I'm sure this is an aesthetic that can be developed in everyone - it's just that Dominants seem to have a head start.
So the Dominant's secret "Present presence presents presents" can be decoded as:
"Immediacy and self awareness confer the gift of Dominance"
Bright Blessings,
Lady Nichola