As submissives, we all strive to provide service and / or pleasure to our Dominants. That service brings us that magical feeling we associate with submission. Much of our happiness is derived from submitting - the sense of peace and the rush that we feel are rarely equaled. Many of us are still searching for that pipe dream.
Some equate submission to be selfless. We give, we serve, we provide, we offer. Our priority and focus are on our Dominants. We strive for the recognition, acknowledgement and acceptance. We want to know that our service is appreciated and valued. To gain that, we give more - often to the point of forgetting what it is that we need to be happy. That leads to frustration, disappointment and disillusion. Ultimately we all lose.
I will readily admit that my submission is not selfless. I submit because it is something that appeals greatly - to me. I have come to realize that if I short-change myself and fail to recognize my own need for happiness, my submission is less than it can be. I submit because I want to, it feeds a need of mine. I offer a Dominant control because I like the edge of having chosen not to make all my decisions myself. I submit because it turns me on. These are all things that relate directly to me - no one else. Does that make me selfish? In my opinion it does, although it is the key that has unlocked a depth to my submission that nothing else could ever bring out. By being aware of my needs and not ignoring them, I am no longer battling a feeling of emptiness - of something missing - that I found mystifying and was clouding my judgment.
It has taken me a long time to recognize that my peace of mind and happiness matter a great deal. I've gone through seeing D/s through rose-colored glasses, of looking for the modern-day equivalent of knights on white horses. I have seen it as dark unforgiving hole, where I've given until I felt I had nothing left to give. I knew that a happy medium existed somewhere in between. Friends taught me some valuable lessons. They pushed me to look inward and recognize that what I felt mattered - at the very least to myself. They showed me that my safe and protected world - sitting back waiting to see who approached - was what was stopping me from doing what was best for me - finding who and what make *me* happy.
My journey now has me where I am recognizing that what I need and want matter to me. With those two things taken care of, my submission is taking me places that I could never have imagined. My recent experience has shown me that when I take care of myself first, everything becomes simpler. Everything becomes better. Everything is more meaningful. I no longer need to worry about me, my focus can turn to what brings me my greatest pleasure - submission without reservation, regret or compromise.
I stepped out beyond those protective walls recently. I deserved more than to sit and wait, and I didn't like being alone. I deserved to find what is best for me. For the first time in years I am being true to myself. The rewards have been beyond compare.
dove