In late July, I placed a profile on an adult website. My motivation? Equal parts "market research", boredom and horniness. 4 weeks and 3,000 responses later...I have an inbox full of pictures of cocks... I'm still bored, I'm still horny... And the only thing my market research has proven is that I'm a dinosaur.
Sometimes I wonder if my romantic notion of D/s is entirely sane. A set of noble values, no doubt: Honor through service; authority balanced by responsibility; nobility at all turns.
Maybe "sane" isn't the right word. "Overly idealistic", "naive" and (on more cyncial days) "fictional" come to mind as replacement terms.
At times, D/s seems an almost impossible set of contradictory values - A nice idea on paper... but requiring "the willing suspension of disbelief" to such an extent... that eventually the "real world" wins out.
D/s relationships are as individual as their participants - so it's difficult (not to say dangerous) to make generalizations. But, at the very least, "D/s" and "reality" seem in continuous conflict.
Of course, the real test of a value-system is not whether it's true or not. The test is, "Does it work?" - My personal experience on this has been mixed. On the one hand, it can lead to some amazingly intimate experiences, personal growth and a sense of belonging. Occasionally, (she added with dry Brit understatement)- it does not.
As someone re-emerging into the dating scene, my recent experience has been precious little of the former... And a dump truck load of the latter. And when it comes to "the willing suspension of disbelief" - I'm finding my credulity stretched to its absolute limit.
Am I resorting to the time-honored tradition of moaning about the lack of good Dominants/submissives out there?
Yep... But the list has been slow, so what the hell.
It's not as if my criteria are unreasonable. (Although one criterion is to know the difference between criterion and criteria) - Do they have to have 20 digits? No... An even number of fingers and toes would be nice, but not a deal-breaker. Gender? So long as they have one... I'm good to go. Frankly... I don't even care if they have _more_ than one gender. There's something rather good about Drag Kings. Preferred role?... Hell, I'll settle for an ambivalent switch.
"I'm going to spank you now Mistress...unless you'd prefer to beat me... " is beginning to sound like a decent proposition.
But, absent from almost all the pan-sexual, poly-amoric, multi-versal, transgressive, fetishistic, politically-charged, sexually dissident communications that it's been my dubious pleasure to review... is one small thing.
A clue.
What is so complex about the notion of D/s as a courtly means of expression?
As a sidebar, I see virtually no difference between Dominants and submissives in this arena. Nor do I hold them to different standards. My feeling is that the role or function of Dominant vs. submissive is not a static one. The relationship develops based on chemistry and inclination. Don't take that as an invitation to take a crack at the curvaceous ass of the inestimable Lady Nichola - but I paid my dues as a submissive in my time... and I had a bloody good time doing it.
And... since I'm in the mood to piss in everyone else's corn flakes... Any Dominant who is serious about the "equality in opposition" of D/s... and then says, "but I never have/will/could submit" is a hypocrite.
So my rant is not about gender, role, or preferred kink. In fact, one of the few redeeming features of my recent endeavors is running into a few kinks that made even _me_ raise my eyebrows.
My rant is, I suppose, about etiquette. It's not merely about please and thank you (although I've seen little enough of that). Neither is my rant about honorifcs or the lack of communication skills.
"U R hott bich, C mi cokc?" is a little less than I'd prefer. But my standards are dropping rapidly... and, on the plus side, it does have a certain earthy directness to it.
But, once in a while, you think you've found a gem. They've gotten past the radar, spam controls and (if I had my way) sniper fire.
Hmm... we share the same kinks... (not hard... I checked the box next to everything).
Hmm, this Dominant/submissive/bi/questionining switch has checked the box next to gender as "not applicable".... Another good sign.
Under notes: "Looking for a woman to fullfill my gender bending redneck fantasy... I'm your Daddy and your lil girl...will you be my sister and my brother while breastfeeding me?"
After drawing a Venn diagram to figure out if that's even possible... I concede... now that's creative.
So, I send an email expressing interest. The response comes in a variety of flavors, but when you cut away the bullshit and decipher the typos it boils down to this:
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Dear Nichola, When I said that I had Real Time Experience, I meant that I've spent a lot of Time thinking about what it might be like to Really Experience this.
When I said that I was Dominant what I meant was: I want to Dominate you into dressing me as sissy; command you to tie me to a St. Andrews Cross and order you to do me in the ass. (the other version...When I said that I was submissive what I meant was: I want to Dominate you into dressing me as sissy; command you to tie me to a St. Andrews Cross and order you to do me in the ass)
I would like to meet you as soon as possible [my wife/husband/mother will be home soon] - and if I cannot meet you send me a picture, soiled underwear or a picture of your soiled underwear? (note, no please or thank you)
By the way U R hott bich, C mi cokc? (or cnut as gender appropriate)
Signed,
Clueless in Toronto
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I'm begining to think that I'm going to catch an STD from these goons (Sexually Transmitted Dyslexia) - But one has to be hofepul.
And continue the willing suspension of the disbelief.
Oops... an email just came in. "Rich Sugar Daddy in search of bad tempered slut... please send picture of your portfolio"
This one looks promising.
Lady Nichola